Dad, My Refuge

“Fathers must always give to be happy. Always giving—that is what makes one a father.”

— Honoré de Balzac

Dad,
There are things we feel for a lifetime without ever finding the moment to say them.
Today, my words may tremble a little too much, but I want to speak to you.

You taught me to read before I even understood the world.
You showed me that books were places of refuge,
but looking back,
I understand that my true refuge
was you.

Between you and me, there has always been this unique, unbreakable bond.
Always attentive, always there,
you kept an eye on me to see whether I needed anything.
If you noticed the slightest sadness, you acted immediately,
with your humour and your dad jokes.
My dad, my Bear, my protector.

I came to realise that we were all children once.
Even you, Dad.
You were a little boy full of dreams,
perhaps with fears he had to hide.
A child told to “stay strong” and not to cry, even after a fall.
And perhaps sometimes you felt misunderstood,
disappointed or sad.

I understood that you had sometimes set your passions aside,
put your wishes away in a corner,
to build something greater: us.

Sometimes, I wish I could meet that little boy.
Buy him an ice cream.
Play with him.
Listen to his laughter, light, with no weight on his shoulders.
Have the kind of conversation children have together,
talk about the future, about his feelings,
get to know his childhood heart,
a conversation we no longer have once we grow up.

Hold him in my arms.
Tell him he would become a strong, respected, loved man.
A man I am proud to call my father.

Like those fathers in Balzac’s novels, solid as invisible pillars.
Like those men of character Zola described, shaped by duty and integrity.

Some fathers say, “Make your choices, but you will bear the consequences.”
You used to say, “If that is your choice, do it.”
And you added nothing, because I knew you would be right behind me,
quietly watching over me, “just in case.”

I grew up with that certainty.
And when you know someone will pick you up, the world becomes wider.

Know this today:
Your love built the woman I have become.
Even though I live far away, I have forgotten nothing.
If I am strong, upright and true to my word, it is because I watched you live that way.
You did not only protect me; you prepared me for life.

I do not say it enough, out of reserve or habit, but I love you, Dad.

May Allah reward you for every silent weariness, every quiet sacrifice.
May He grant you health, peace and a long life.
And if I become a good person in this life, it will also be thanks to you.

As Balzac said, “True love is an ocean of sensations, eternal and always new.”
Your love, Dad, is exactly that to me.

Happy birthday.